Childlessness reconsidered?
I'm on the birth-rate beat again.
Over at Slate, Emily Yoffe has gotten into some hot water for her advice that a childless couple should reconsider their decision to abstain from having children. It seems that after she made this recommendation, she received pan-mail denouncing her advice as (variously) "disgusting," "offensive," "hurtful," "appalling," and "shocking."
I've written about the West's low birth rates before, and I continue to find it fascinating, in particular the psychological aspects of it. Into the latter fray steps Glenn Reynolds, with an interesting and insightful essay here about the economic and social reasons people opt to have (or not to have) children.
Admittedly, this is a personal issue, so I get very nervous when I hear how world governments - Russia most notably - are planning to 'encourage' couples to have more children (maybe it's just the idea of Russia 'encouraging' things, which never seems to end well). But at the same time, I am a staunch advocate of having children myself, and find it personally perplexing that anyone would choose not to have children at any point in their lives.
For me, the idea is so innately appealing: I like myself well enough (as it goes); I like the future Mrs. Tacitean a great deal; I think little people who are in some way combinations of the two of us would be even more likeable! Not only that, I'll get to teach them things! What glorious fun!
Anyway, I found the articles interesting and would like to hear what other people thought of them, and, if you're willing, what your personal views are on raising children.
Update: For some more comment-discussion fodder, read the responses to Yoffe's article over at The Fray.
posted by Joshua @ 1:43 PM
11 Comments:
I know a number of couples - some married, some who eschew the idea of marraige but who nonetheless are committed to being together forever - all of whome have decided not to have children, though they definitely like kids. The sad irony that I've seen is that most people I know who say "ooh! Babies!" say it the same way that they'd say, "ooh! A Prada bag!" Whereas the intentionally childless couples I know would all make great parents, in no small part due to their sense of understanding just what a major responsibility it is, and that if they were to have kids, they wouldn't allow themselves to be at all half-assed about it.
So I respect those couples for their forsight, while also kind of hoping to meet their kids one day, who would no doubt be awesome.
Interesting points.
First off, let me admit that while I do often proclaim "Babies!" I mean it less in a "oooh! Prada bag!" and more in a "Future Defenders of Liberty!!!!" sort of way. Boudicca will confirm this.
I'm really interested by your description of intentionally childless couples who, in your opinion, would be ideally suited for parenthood. As I noted above, this is a personal issue, so I'm reluctant to say these couples made "the wrong decision."
But what's so frustrating is that so many less-than-suitable parents do not seem to have these scruples, and I want to know why this is so. Why are so many ideal parents making the perfect the enemy of the good? That is, if they can't be perfect parents, they just won't be parents.
I think Reynolds is onto something when he suggests we've also made it socially and legally difficult to be a parent. Society presents this idea that children are so fragile and precious that anything less than total, constant supervision would lead to all sorts of horrible things - for which you'll be arrested or sued! So people naturally get scared away from the whole thing - if it's that much work, why bother?
Personally, I think we should at least emphasize some of the totally sweet things about parenthood, as opposed to the towering negatives. For example, children are little people that learn stuff really quick! HOW COOL IS THAT?
I've given it more thought, and I've gotten to the nub about what really bothers me - again, just me personally - about the idea of childlessness.
It's the idea that centuries of stories just ... come to an end. Obviously, we are the progeny of our parents, and their parents, and so on. But it's so much more than genetics, isn't it? It's family lore and family history and the sense of the world always going on.
I don't want to be too trite here, but there's a scene in Star Trek : Generations (admittedly just a so-so movie) in which Jean-Luc Picard has just learned his brother and nephew have perished in a fire. Bemoaning his own childlessness, Picard is recounting the family history ('the Picard who fought at Trafalgar...') and how knowledge of it all may well end with his own death.
Well, I feel that way. I like the idea of one day being able to tell my children about the Warrens who came over on the Mayflower, the Emersons who preached from the pulpit for liberty and abolition and the Knoxes who fought in the Civil War. I also gain solace in the fact that they will make their own stories part of that story, one day telling their children and grandchildren about all that they've done, and maybe adding something about me, too.
So while I respect everyone's personal decisions and how they reached them, I feel it's fair to explain how I feel, too. And I can't imagine sitting down and making the decision that the story would end with me. What could be worth that?
Richard Warren?
I don't know if anyone has ever been to Plymouth Plantation in Massachusetts (this is off-topic, I guess, but this thread is nothing if not a fun wandering), but it's a full recreation of the original colony, stocked with actors playing the settlers. They remain fully in character and faithful to their 1620 timeline.
Anyway, when I was young (8? 9?), we went there and I marched into Richard Warren's hut/home and boldly declared that I was his great-great-grandsomething. I still remember his response: "How? I don't have any children."
I really like the idea of having children with Boudicca because it means that her stories will become our stories and someone else's stories, too. Like I said, I can't imagine putting any value higher than that.
All of my stories are lies...
You actually can't use paragraph marks in comments, but two "hard returns" should do the trick.
I agree with these most recent comments. I, too, once thought of my future containing children, but more recent developments in my life have eroded that idyllic view.
Among them are:
* Lack of patience with other people, especially when I'm run-down... this is of critical significance for babies crying in the middle of the night.
* Career vs. parenting... I'm 26, already, and haven't even started my career—my prime parenting years also need to be spent establishing myself. (this is essential for raising a family, because it takes "money," and a career can take off, or be quite slow to develop—one never knows)
* "Age of parents" consideration. I always thought when I had kids, I'd do stuff with them. Skiing, for example. If I don't have kids until I'm 40, then it probably won't be until I'm 50 that we can "really" go skiing. Modern medicine may help with this by that time, but again: it's an unknown. No offense to those older parents out there... I just don't want to have any regrets (personally).
* Environmental concerns. I always vowed to myself that I would never raise children in the city. Given my choice of career, and the options I have for locations (all cities), I don't feel like having childern is right.
* Spousal concerns. Bipolar sufferers are at a 90% risk for severe post-partum depression. Additionally, anti-depressants are harmful to newborns (of some gravity, if one is considering breast-feeding, which I would be a proponent of).
So, given my life's course, up until now and continuing until an undetermined point in time, having children isn't a really a good idea—for myself or for my children.
"...it sounds great for YOU to pass down family history and religion to your kids, but what considerations have you made about THEIR choices and THEIR autonomy-- can you separate these questions of values and culture from what is necessary to facilitate their freedom of choice and individualism? is that what you even want?"
Let me clarify my position slightly, so I am not perceived as advocating for robot-children.
I think the wonderful thing about young children is that they say totally unexpected things and think totally unexpected thoughts. They also have a way of cutting through things that adults lose in the general pursuit of civility as we grow up.
But for children to get this point, they have to be taught how to think and speak in the first place, don't they? Which is why I so staunchly advocate grounding my younglings in a 'tradition' in the first place. Where they go from there is entirely up to them. So yes, their freedom of choice and individualism iswhat I want.
"...a veritable byword for state paternalism"
How well phrased! My compliments to your rhetoric!
(Additionally, if you're in the mood to discuss Singapore as an example of too much democracy and a path we shouldn't follow, feel free to comment on my post above!)
Whooooops... I left out an entire thought! Ha!
Of course Lee has run the place the whole time. I meant to use Singapore as a jumping-off point to discuss the differences between liberalism and democracy, and how there do exist 'liberal autocracies' of a kind. But instead, I wrote that completely idiotic sentence. Take two.
.... Well I like maps, personally. They're detailed and fun. Checking out road maps while on a road trip gives me much happiness and joy. Especially while eating peaches.
Wait, is that a metaphor?
Well, Mountain Lady, perhaps I would be more inclined to lead a more fulfilling life were I raised under the nurturing style of parenting that you seem to exude.
As it were, it never failed that I was made aware of how many jobs my parents worked, and how far backwards they had to bend over to give my brother and I the lives we so enjoyed.
So, I was driven to excel in life—a goal I'm still desperately pursuing.
And, now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I can start a career, I've been told that it shouldn't matter where in the world I end up—much less the country—for a good job... A mindset I'm not buying into because I have other people in my life to worry about.
There's so much more to it, but it's bringin me down, having gotten this far in my explanation.
So... add parental influence to my list of b.s. above for why I'm chosing a life I'm also growing to hate.
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